Doesn't get any easier...

I would be more successful in keeping this blog up if I hadn't been so busy trying to finish this book!  But alas I am getting there.  At the very least I haven't waited nearly 2 years to update.  So let me run down the list of important points over the last few months.

My love life-

It is always a mess, I have dated a few guys over the last several months.  One was actually serious enough to make me want to maybe move to another state. However, I realized after a little while why I never date guys that are younger than I am.  One, I am either way to smart for them and I can't carry a conversation with them. Or even worse, Two, I always feel like I am teaching him life lessons.  Either way it was more than I could handle and I have moved on.  Good thing is I am now single!

My hearing-

I am now considered Severely Deaf. Over the last 7 or 8 months I have lost more and more hearing.  The hearing aids I had before are no longer useful and I had to get an upgrade. Bigger hearing aids, more sound and gain.  I have my good days and bad dealing with it but I can't help but think that all of this is happening for a reason.  I was thinking before maybe its karma biting me in the ass for all the wrong I have done or haven't done to people in the past.  I will say this, if I have to deal with something happening to me, The Deaf community has been extremely welcoming and helpful and I love them all so very much.  I have learned so much over the last 7/8 months about myself and about Deaf culture and I am continuing to do that every day.

I did have an issue. When I knew my other hearing aids weren't strong enough. I mean I was really struggling with them I asked my audiologist if those hearing aids were going to be enough for me even if my hearing dropped. He looked at me and said they would be.  I didn't feel right with his answer and I sought out for a second opinion.  Since I had been using Starkey hearing aids I was looking for another Starkey dealer who could give me some insight.  I called the other place I found and set up an appointment.  My new audio gram had shown that my hearing has dropped nearly 20 decibels in a year.  With Menieres Disease (what I have in my ears) you never know, some times the progression in hearing loss is aggressive and sometimes it is not.  Lucky me, mine has been but seems to have leveled off.  We found that my old audiologist was trying to make a sale and get me into a hearing aid he thought was right for me. While at that time it targeted my hearing loss it wouldn't for long. After we had found out that I had Menieres we should have went over the option of new hearing aids.  My NEW audiologist went over other hearing aids and took an ear mold for custom fit molds with the new hearing aids.  All in all this year I have spent $8560.00 on hearing aids. I traded the first ones in for a 40% discount and only got 1 thousand something back, the remainder price for the new aids was $3560.00 so that had to be paid.  It is amazing how insurance companies can get away with calling the cost of hearing "cosmetic"  BS if you ask me!

Work

I really want a good paying job. It is really hard to go from making a lot of money to having to freelance work.  SO, if anyone needs a writer or any sort or you just want to pay me to do something hit me up lol

I'll try to be a better blogger!

laptop burns

baby mya

I have been in and out the last week or so.  Last week my new lil pup Mya got really sick.  Apparently I didn't get the memo when the Breeder decided to NOT tell me it is common for dogs as small as her to have low blood surgar because of how little they are.  Mya is a teacup yorkie, very cute and almost died in my arms last week. It was heart wrenching.  2 days in doggy hospital and about $900.00 later she is back to her spunky self.

I also had been staying at my moms house as my cable doesn't get hooked up until Christmas Eve.  The terrible thing about staying at the parents house is they live in the country, and I HATE the country. My phone virtually has no service whatsoever, every other time I'd say Verizon was awesome but I guess the network forgot to visit Shellsberg Iowa. lol

While my parents have decided to not get internet out there I was stealing internet from the town Library which happened to be located across the street. FYI- DO not get drunk and pass out on your laptop. You are subject to 3rd degree burns, CHECK it out!

Today it is 4 degrees out.. Look it what I have in store for me the rest of the week!! WTF!  I'm moving south

Iowa 7 day forecast

Is it completely ironic that the sunniest days are the coldest days this week??? Might I remind you this isn't with the wind chill? When I say it is 4 today, it really feels like -18 with the wind chill!! KILL ME!

Love

I have been wrong about a TON of things in life.  People, places and things.  I am only admitting that on here because everyone who knows me knows I would never admit that to them.  Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and say out loud WTF- WHAT THE FUCK!

I have this what seems to be perfect guy. I mean he has his flaws as everyone does but those are the things that make him the way he is. He tells me I am beautiful whenever he has the chance. He drops everything he is doing sometimes to help me with something I may need help with. He cheers me on when I am having a bad day and he says I love you when I seem to give up on the human race as a whole some days.
We have few things in common but I think what is so great about him is everything we don't have in common. I learn something new from him every day and every day is a new day with him. Sometimes we don't have to say anything, I just love knowing is he there.  Seems nice huh?

Well it is nice but some how I always have to figure out a way to run from something my heart says is so right.  Part of the way I make a living is writing a column online, aside from the book and all of the advice I give my friends.  You would think I was a pro at having a relationship but when push comes to shove I never listen to my own advice.

I'm not sure if its because I get bored easily or what but I found it necessary to search for someone else, something "better."  Was there anything even better than him?  Well I went searching and I found something I thought was better and now things seem all messed up. The second man I have met is older than me but hes not the person I thought he was. Don't get me wrong, hes not a horrible person but you know how sometimes you just sense things about certain people?  I was real excited when I first met him. New relationship type thing, all giddy and I felt full of life.  After a couple weeks a friend of mine did something that came in between him and I (which I could write a book on but I will spare you.) After that it was hard for him and I to get along the same way and I went to great lengths to make everything up to him, to make him see that he could fall for me the way he did in the beginning.  I have NEVER done things like that before, no one to me was ever worth it, but for some reason he was. That was over a month ago and I have been fine just being his friend and if it never works out I can be alright with that because I have witnessed the true person he is I think.

So my heart has basically made up my mind. But, there are still some things I have to get to the bottom of as far as guy number one and a few emotional barriers we have to over come.  So until then.. love and light<3

My ear/hearing aid

I have had a lot of pretty interesting things happen to me in my 28 years of life. Some good, some bad, some sad, some happy. BUT, nothing could ever prepare me for the news and life changing events that would happen to me this year.

Over the last few months I had been experiencing some problems with my hearing.  Well after many tests and trips to an ENT (ears,nose throat doctor,) they ruled out all problems that may have caused the problems that I was having.
I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease. Menieres is a disorder of the inner ear that can affect hearing and balance. It is characterized by episodes of dizziness and tinnitus and progressive hearing loss, usually in one ear but I have it in both ears. It is caused by an increase in volume and pressure of the endolymph of the inner ear.

Zon 7 digital Behind the Ear

What people that know me don't know about this is that it causes episodes that can last minutes and sometimes even days and weeks of not feeling good. Where I feel dizzy and nauseous.  On days like that I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure of the fluid build up in my inner ears.
What caused me to get this checked out in the first place was a sudden drop in hearing and about 2 weeks of my head feeling dizzy to where I was having trouble focusing on things and I was even scared to drive.  Then one night I couldn't sleep at all because tinnitus was driving me nuts. Tinnitus is the perception of sound within the ear in the absence of corresponding external sound. Tinnitus can be perceived in one or both ears or in the head. It is usually described as a ringing noise, but in some people it takes the form of a high pitched whining, buzzing, hissing, humming, or whistling sound, or as ticking, clicking, roaring, "crickets" or "tree frogs". 

In my case its a very loud, high pitched ringing.  I woke up crying and I the first place I had made an appointment couldn't get me in for nearly 3 weeks but I was desperate and couldn't wait that long. 
I called another place here in town and they got me in right away that very morning. Within 2 hours I had done multiple hearing tests and came to the conclusion that my hearing loss is at a moderate severe level and on some frequencies profound.  Over the last month or so its gotten worse and when I have these episodes its even worse than on a normal day for me.

Thank GOD! There was a Christian based foundation that can do things for people like me.  The hearing aids that I have right now cost about $2,500 for just one and I have to have 2 of them.  $5,000 is a lot of money for anyone to come up with.  Thanks to this foundation they donated the 5k to the Lions Club in Cedar Rapids who in return is going to give the money to the hearing center to pay for the hearing aids I need. Let me tell you that is a load off my shoulders.  Without the aids it is hard for me to hear anything.  When I go out with my friends to a restaurant or bar its even worse even with the aids.

But with this disease has come some blessings I never thought were possible.  I am now the community developer/ site moderator for a site called Tagdeaf.com which is a myspace type social networking site for the Deaf and hard of hearing.  I have been more exposed to the deaf community in that sense and I have met some wonderful people there that have helped me a bit through what I am going through. Some people that have gone deaf from the same disease I have and will eventually face some day.  Its scary having something your whole life and then you have to kind of wait to lose it.

A new friend that has Menieres wrote this on one of my blogs: 

"You need to prepare for the journey that awaits you: leaving the hearing world, and entering the world of the Deaf. Be prepared for some surprises on this journey, some very nice ones, and some painful ones. You are not alone."

Its scary but its a part of my reality, and a lot of people don't realize I feel like I am in limbo most of the time. Everyone I know is hearing and they assume because I can still hear a little and I wear hearing aids that I can hear everything.  The same goes with the Deaf Community. They think that because I can hear I have no problems.   My friend was right, some things have been okay and others have been terrible. There are days I spend crying because people haven't understood what I am going through.  I guess its a learning experience for me and everyone around me.

Obama

It seems that whenever I have to pay money to gamble, I never win.  However, whenever I call to win something or put my name in a drawing for something, I never can lose.

A few weeks ago I added my name to our states lottery for Inauguration tickets to see the swearing in of President-Elect Barack Obama.  From what I understand there were 240,000 tickets made for this event. A couple weeks ago I was on twitter,( I'm a twitter-holic) I happen to be following Senator Charles Grassley (a Senator in the state of Iowa,) and he twittered to go to his website and sign up for tickets.  Each state basically puts their tickets into a lottery and for people who sign up you have a chance to win.  

I was a bit confused in early November when I was seeing tickets being sold on Ebay for nearly $20,000.00 a ticket!  The reason I was confused was because most states hadn't even had their tickets yet.

I know the deadline to sign up on Senator Grassley's site was December 1st.  In any case I recieved an email the other day with this information in it!

Congratulations!  Your name has been chosen from a lottery to receive 2 tickets to the Inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama.

To reserve these tickets you must contact our office no later than Wednesday, December 10^th, by responding to this email or calling Barrett Anderson at (202) 224-3744.  We are committed to ensuring that as many Iowans as possible are able to witness this historic event and we have hundreds of people on our waiting list.  If we do not hear from you by the December 10^th deadline any tickets being held for you will be given to the next person on the waiting list.

Once your tickets have been confirmed, they will be available for pick-up on Monday, January 19^th from 9 AM to 5 PM in Senator Grassley’s office in room 135 of the Hart Senate Office Building.  We are unable to send Inauguration tickets through US mail or any other courier service.  These tickets are non-transferrable.

There was a lot of other info that came with it but this was the main information.  Most states are making people pick up tickets the DAY BEFORE so they cannot be sold easily.  It is not against the law to sell tickets to this however it is strongly urged not to sell them as these tickets are issued for free to winners in the lottery.  If you see tickets being sold without the information I just put in here be VERY CAUTIOUS, it could be a scam.  This may not be the case for all states but I have been reading up on this and it seems as though a lot of states are doing the lottery as well.

2 tickets in 240,000, NOT bad.

See you in DC!

Jackie DeShannon summed it up pretty well.

"What the world needs now, is love sweet love, its the only thing that there is just to little of."

There have been a few times in my life where I have come across something extra-ordinary. I mean there hasn't been very many times I have that feeling, where I know something is going to change my life forever.

You come across very few people who have that kind of an impact on you.  Here I am 28 years old, people come and go in my life as they do in many others lives as well but then you have that very few who make the world a better place to be.

I'm not perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. I have made a ton of mistakes in life but had I not made those mistakes I am not sure I would be the grounded, full hearted woman I am now.  I have met some people who are just so pessimistic about the world and the people in it, it makes you wonder if there is any hope for them.

I wear my heart on my sleeve 365 days a year. If someone hurts me and pulls a piece of that heart away, I don't take my heart down to repair it, I leave it there for someone else in case they need it. I believe the world has enough ugly and black-hearted people..  We just need more people who fill the hearts of others.

There are so many different manifestations of Love.. sit back and enjoy what a pleasure they are to witness....

Hearts do hurt but like the Sun rises and Sets every day... time heals all pain.

Mya

Wouldn't you know I wrote a nice little post and BAM, I messed it up and lost it!

But yes, I have been absent for 2 years and I figured since I have some extra time on my hands why not resurrect this blog?  I liked this blog and its one of the few sites I can write about whatever I want because everyone and their brother that I know, doesn't have it. It's always nice to not have to sensor what you write because you are afraid you will hurt someones feelings.

Heres the gist of the last 2 years.

I left Chicago after what happened, because seriously that messed with my head. I'd eventually like to return there but who knows. After leaving Chicago of course I end up in what I like to call the black hole. Iowa. Never seems to fail I always get sucked back in here.
I had a few rough patches when I came back to Iowa. Cocaine, Drinking, then Rehab.  Drinking really wasn't my issue, it was the drug, however that part of my life is over and I am a better person today. I can't believe its been over a year without that drug :)

This year has been alright. I have met not just one but 2 amazing men.  Seriously, would my life be complete is I didn't have any man drama?  I will save that story for a rainy day.

I currently write full time. I write on a few blog sites in which I get paid for and I am currently the Community Manager for an online based social networking site.  Which basically means I baby sit a website all day long :)  I enjoy what I do. I was destined to write I think.  ALSO, I am about halfway through my first book!

Today I added another addition to my family. Mya, shes a tea cup yorkie, if you check my photos I posted a pic of her. Her name was tinkerbell, I changed her name to Mya.  The place I got her from had already named her, but I think Mya fits her best :)

Anyways, I have a ton of backed posts I will add in here so look out for them if you want.

Love and Light everyone.

Sleeping

Its December. And in December here it gets cold and it never seems to fail, about this time is when I start to feel like something is missing in my life.  I curled up into a ball last night on the couch and watched a couple movies by myself.  I would like to say that I don't have a man in my life because I am too picky but that isn't what it is at all.

I just don't want to settle.  I believe that there is one man out there for me, one man that could make me smile every day I wake up next to him for the rest of my life, without him having to say a word. I have seen so many people get married, have kids only to be divorced within 5 years.  When I get married it is going to be once, one time.  I have people asking me all of the time (mainly my family)  when are you going to settle down and have a family?

Up until about a year ago that never crossed my mind. I loved to travel with my friends, to do what I wanted to never have to answer to anyone. I had MY life.  But I have grown up.  Things that were important to me 2 years ago, 5 years ago etc.. just are not important to me anymore.

Last night I was talking to a man I love deeply. He asked me if I was "ready" for all of that, for love for everything.  I believe I am, I know I am. I often wonder about time and how it affects certain aspects of my life.  Or when things happen for a reason. I believe that all things happen for a reason, I believe in having no regrets.  Things that happen in life good or bad have an impact that will forever change the outcome of certain things. Even if it is good or bad at least you know either way.  Same thing with emotions. I believe that emotion shown whether its good or bad is good. IT shows how passionate some people are and how much they care about what is making them so emotional.

I never search for love, I have always been a believer that Love will find me.  It did and of course I had to find a reason to screw it up lol  In anycase, I know I have done what I have to make up for what I did, I have given all of my heart, my whole soul and what happens will happen. Till I know what that is...

Love and Light to all